the old man vs. the stone stairwell

is this guy going to pause at every damn step? he's so wide. I'd race around him if he wasn't so frigging wide. he smells like warm clothes. every step. he's stopping at every step. is he praying? is he thanking god for every step? c'mon! c'mon!

finally the old man get's up to the street opening across from the barren park. i slip past him. he disappears. i look back down to the bottom of the stairs and there he is again. slow like molasses. burning up years.

(i even bored myself with that one.)

miguel

miguel, originally uploaded by beast of all notions.

vampire

comic7, originally uploaded by beast of all notions.

i forget the translation of this but it's a dis.

Return To My Penis Cow Crowd/The World Has Ended

comic6, originally uploaded by beast of all notions.

With Catalina La O playing on the speakers underneath our feet and over our heads, our waitress bring us our drinks:

a pint of guinness
a tequila double
a can of ice cold bud lite

Now look at this table crowded by three strangers strangling each other with their different mights.

The night kneels searching for it's maracas. "Shit, they were here a minute ago." Look behind the moon maybe?

Mi Negrita Me Espera plays now from the jukebox. An old man at the bar sings along. He has a brown paper bag (lunch?) that he rests his left hand in.

It's like that huh?

The old man might be Odin. We might be Kenzaburo Oe and two deformed twins but none of use are.

We are talking about the first day of work for all three of us. Rebecca had to name all the plants and animals. Herkimer had to set the moon in motion (hiding music instruments in the process). I had to file emails.

Rebecca says "I might get another job working for order or light or something. This job is killing me."

Herkimer says "Yeah I might become King of Rooks if i keep petitioning."

I get up mumbling "I wish i may i wish i might see you both dead this night."

Te Quero, Te Adoro

I have 4 bosses. They are the different directions of the wind. The sun chimes in every so often at the end of the month meetings.

H

negative country burn

negative burn, originally uploaded by beast of all notions.

Magician Seeks SF 2 Perform Tricks On.......

I am looking for a petulant, sinister, bourgeois, fecund, cantankerous, insolent feminine transexual of legal age (old hags full of worms need not apply) interested in being cut down in half and made to feel invisible.

I am 43, single, intelligent, hardworking, funny, athletic and muscular black man with the slightest hint of multiple personality disorder. E-mail me with the intent of showing the mystery of you and i will reveal the secret of why you might be the one, and make sure to include a recent photo. (If you're ugly and you know it clap your hands....................GOTCHA FUCKFACE!!!)

I plan on moving to Prague within the next year and would love to blow this burg of losers. No Homo. I have a few friends in Budapest (that's in the Czech Rep right?) but they are all ex-patriot perverts and cheapos. I thought about simply posting a traveloque about the Czech Republic but I don't see why I shouldn't try to make some romance before i leave. I would describe myself as confident, mature, international-minded, professional, easy-going, and appreciative of all things casual. My parents are English teachers. No one so far has been scared away from my looks except for Raul and that's a long Neil Simonesque story. I have pictures of me standing next to WWF champion Andre the Giant that hopefully will prove my beauty to you!

Anyway, I am in my 30s, single, asian male with oh how do I put this....his shit together and......a pencil thin mustache (haha i am a magician)! I have a career, the best family & friends (I am a little biased) who have ever existed. I'm grounded, driven, spiritual, a cut above average and seek to meet someone a little humble. It's a jungle out there.

First of all, I am not the kind of city girl who just dates and shit. I have hit it and quit it but now i have another life to think about. I have plenty of opportunities to go out with guys but I have enough confidence to allow me to wait on the one who is going to make me forget what I was thinking at the moment. Huh? What? I'm so pretty i don't have to make sense? Got it? Good! I don't need some motherfucker coming around trying to fuck up my shit, getting up in my fucking shit, telling me to stop shaking my fucking head all the time. It's my fucking head Raul!! Step bitch!

Physical attraction is huge and takes a long time to type so don't waste my time fellas. She is sincere, understands humility (as a word and a concept), and is passionate about certain things.
Who are you talking to? Shut up shut up!!! One thing you must know about me is I AM very passionate about certain things: my job, my desires/passions, my family/friends, and trying to be the greatest girl ever created by you know who. God is my reason and my will.

I am a 25 year old student (i know i know, graduate already..........godddddd), ginger haired, slight build, more bookish then bo hunk, raised on an Orchard in Vermont so this guy smells like apples and pears. I appreciate a girl who has goals and is independent enough to achieve them without someone hitting them to finish.

Ideally, I would like to find a girl who comes from a great family and desires more than anything to have kids of her own. Oh and by the way, being a mom is just about the coolest thing i've ever done. Opinion. I mean, the full-time, never-ending job of being responsible for raising children in this world is way more important than any paid job I will ever do! I never finished high school and don't have an appreciation for the arts.

The point is, or at least the way I see it is being together is a team effort (can you tell I am an athlete;) and I believe in someday working together with YOU (the future love of my life) to do whatever it is we need to do to get this magic act off the ground. I'm tired of playing these crap clubs. The last one was like "Rawhide" bar in The Blues Brothers.

Once you get to us you will realize we are legion. We wish to accomplish many things in our lifetime, but the most important, no doubt, is to be THE BEST wife/husband/husband/wife and dad we can be someday. More on that later. Basically I am an "all-growed up" kid with a great job (designer........that's right ladies. we don't come a dime a dozen) and HUGE aspirations. I am looking for the kind of person who is starting to see the grand scheme and the four little men in the bank vault. Some qualities I love: faith, trustworthiness (as in she is not going to be posting stupid ads for casual encounters; how sad!), sincerity, understands humility (as a noun and not a verb), infectious smile (not infectious teeth, hahaha), hispanic booty a must, easygoing, smart, funny, slop on top and an eagerness to learn the art of being a magician's assistant. Well, if you got this far and still understand what the heck it is we are talking about, I think you and i and him nad her would get along great.

abracadabra i'm out,
Todd

Click Click Monday Blammmm!!!

20,
originally uploaded by beast of all notions.

Solomon Grundy wakes up on a Monday and makes a ton of noise unfolding the rusty ironing board. It screams while being pulled apart. I've been awake for two hours trying to figure out a reason for not going to work. I am inside a boiling sleeping bag on the hard wood floor of my unfurnished bedroom. He puts creases in his jeans and italian disco shirt. The iron leaks water onto the floor. He sops it up with his girlfriend's skirt. I crawl through the door crack squeezing just between.

"How is you getting up now and you no late for work Sinestro," he growls at me from a crack lipped snarl far under a thick heavy brow. He works, minimum wage, for the Injustice League.

"Well.......i have this power ring that let's me teleport to work. Remember? I've offered to teleport you to work but....."

"Teleportation is faggy. Solomon Grundy no fairy! Grundy no swing chocoletto."

"Solomon Grundy no fairy yet Solomon Grundy come home from work, put on robe, sit on couch with legs curled under him watching entertainment tonight and drinking frozen margaritas all evening," Sinestro answer tired of Solomon Grundy's....damn it, now he has me talking like him.

I put my suit on and find there is a hole in the waist. My thick belt will hide it. Later i'll have to sew it. I could use my ring to fix it but i forgot to charge it the night before and there are only a few bars of power left. I'll need those to call temo agencies to see if there are any villainous night job openings. Looking in the mirror i groan because my head is so big.

The subway ride sucks. Some woman is giving me the scowl. Her face is all twisted up with hatred. The whole ride she has that face on then i realize her face is frozen in that hideous pose by palsy. Palsy or something. I had a friend like that when i was a kid. She'd had a baby and half of her face went slack while the other was set in terror stone. It has nothing at all to do with me. Awesome!

When i get to my cubicle there are IT guys sitting on my desk talking about their favorite porno actresses. They don't move when i sit down and turn on my computer. I hear my boss say, from behind her closed door, "I made a mistake," talking to no one. I put on my headphones and listen to Segun Bucknor all morning while logging secret identities into our criminal database. "you killing me killing me killing me," he sings.

My life sucks.